GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

i cant sleep

and i blame the events that keep replaying in my head
the things that were actually said to me
the things i TRIED to say
the things i wish i could have said
that now still make me so angry that i cant sleep at 3,4 in the mornin

i am so defensive about my transition
especially after being alone in my apt all day
doing the packing thing
and the anxiety thing
and the sadness thing

not to mention it looks like im one of the last to get a job

i shouldnt have said anything
but you dont get your needs met if you dont make em known

i went to a mixer of brown saic people this evenin.. actually, just black lol.. "so many hues of darkness" it was said. and its usually QUITE the feel-good time. this meeting last year spawned the student organization BASAIC (basic) black at saic.. good stuff

i introduced my self as a brand new alum in art therapy lookin for a job

"you dont have a job yet?"
"no (ma'am?)"
"why not?"
hmmm...
"have you been to the career center?"
no i havent, because if theres nothing on launch am i to think theyre hoarding secret leads and connections in the office that only those wanting to go through the trouble of dealing with an saic office win?
but hell, okay, ill go
especially after she cut me off: "but you need to get your money's worth"

touché, pussy cat

but this second lady leads me over to sit down and precedes to......no, lets flip this. I FELT by how she talked to me, that i was being talked down to.
i mean this is a person i was told by the first warm-smiled lady that i "need to know" and the first thing she says when i sit down with her is "have you tried hospitals?"

u know what, thats a novel idea!

me, in a hospital, like my first of five internship sites

whaddyaknow?!

she even blessed me with gems like "a lotta times its WHO you know"

no kiddin

aint that grand

she mentioned head-hunters/recruiters (not any specifically, but that they exist) that i could give my resumé to and they can look for me, but that dont sound free

lastly, she advised me to volunteer for experience. because my internships dont mean anything. sweet.

i was just totally rubbed the wrong way..totally brought down... told myself in my mind that although clearly my answers and my methods arent good enough for her, to keep doing what im doing cuz clearly i at least know ME more than she does. i was advised by someone else to look all over the country
i was generally told to have no standards
which, in applying, i dont really!
just that theyre in chi or ga and have anything to do with helping and/or art and i'll fill in the blanks when i get there

i was told so many things i already know... and whenever i tried to convey that yes i do have SOME idea of what im doing i was met with a "but, you need......"

im tryin to respect my elders
but this is what they do
they talk down to young folk
like we dont have a clue in the world
im 24 with a masters degree
im just in-between
im in-between A LOT of things, people, and places

and im havin a hard time
and i dont need someones i dont know telling me this that and the other like its all my fault that i dont have work lined up

i dont even know if i want work like that lined up
i still wanna dance
AND IM MOVING NEXT WEDNESDAY. its thursday. thursday nite. friday morning now...

i dont have time for these ugly feelings
i felt low
so i went to bang out one-a these on my partner's computer in the kitchen
and im hungry
i did my tae-bo today tho

and i saw leah :) that was lovely
and i finally met--sher (i dont know how to spell the wonderfulness that starts with she-- and ends in --zod) and she is hilarious
doin strong awesome work
these are strong awesome ladies
and im tryin to get there :/

i also heard thru the grapevine that my art of connection contribution is not being looked upon... fondly.... so that doesnt feel good either

but as long as they send my shit in the mail and i can hang that thang on the wall im good

i know what i got
mostly
i know who i am
mostly
i know it'll be fine
mostly

but really, and im lucky this way or just meant to be going in the ways im going, but things work out.

anyway, they always work out how their supposed to

so clearly i was meant to hear that stuff tonite
maybe re-evaluate what im doing
maybe confirm what im doing (which is a big hot mess but they didnt prescribe anything different, really)

either way, im out this bitch

at least for now..

i got good-byes and see-you-laters galore this weekend........alot, though, with not-my-tightest-folk..like, a gaa reunion, then a bday then another bday
but i forsee so many ppl in a room i just dont know and have very little interest in knowing
i hate small talk

and fridays a bday.. and another i just found out about....

and sunday's "best church of god" at lakeshore theatre..sweet :)

gotta get leah in again, i think. im not doin our relationship justice.

liz, spoonah, gina...like, quality time
its overwhelming tho
these social gatherings
the introductions, me in a nutshell
i have no filter
whats bothering me is that i "have nothing to do" ("there's always something to do--take a walk, read a book"--thanks)
and so when i go to say my sound-byte you can tell im insecure about this and that and "oh, you went to africa!"
"yeahhh............about that..............................."
blech

i feel better now tho, i think

nite!
p.s. I'M GREAT.(!!!)