hot mess

been gone for a minute

whole summer

didnt finalize my thesis until august...apparently that was just weeks ago

been in between cities, unemployed privileged leech in lakeview
not knowing where to look for work, where to commit, what/who i can commit to
wondering if suddenly once i land a grown-up full-time job will sam and melisa (actually only sam) come a'knockin for that grand world tour they've been tellin us we're goin on since february....

i cry a lot
ive been all anxious and knotty
in limbo
i got a lead on somethin in augusta
im gonna miss it, it starts next week

but they'll keep me on their radar
the art factory
first place i even emailed
hired me over the phone
6 hours a week
move in with my mama
'cept now i wont even have the 6 hours
way too sudden for not an actual job

felt really good about rice
but its been 2 weeks now i think
and i know thats not that long
but it seemed like an asap situation
the job had been posted for a month
adn i came in on the last day of interviews

i hated the in-betweenness of the past couple months

i went home last week to feel things out
went to the georgia ata meeting and the art factory faculty meeting
note to future self: if spring semester after-school is about 2 more european dudes raise some sand......cuz the students dont quite match that demographic and oughta see somethin else some/most of the time.... IF they have art in their regular schools they're bound to at least hear about van gogh and water lilies, so lets stretch it in the community enrichment
OOH! theyre allegedly doing a huge 30-week mural project with juvenile first-offenders in graffiti. oh snap.
art factory meeting was chocolate chip alert number one

chocolate chip alert number two was the art therapy meeting in atlanta..... i had my resumés all set........ the lady i met at aata last fall didnt seem to remember me. tori, a saic grad 2 years ago, absolutely recognized me and was very warm :) she wanted to take me out but it was my last nite in town........til two weeks from now

i figure as long as im unemployed i ought not be spending hundreds of (not my own) dollars a month. either in my apt or will's.

i figured that as much as i trick myself into thinking i want to spend more time in chicago, as long as im here i'll only be counting down til i can get to ga.. ill always be longing or looking for something else, awesome as my chicago people are and as lovely as their big-city apartments are (in the day time, before you get nervous to walk around)..........

i figure if anything, i can get out of my mama's house by goin around and gettin face-time with folks around town and in atl

and then there's that fellowship i got

and the multicultural committee

and my thesis i theoretically wanna publish elsewhere (can i get a copy??!) i guess a truncated version in the journal
and that as-yet-hypothetical fellowship work in the journal

ill do it, i promise

probably oughta do it in the first lil while of me gettin home

how big is this supposed to be?
how far am i supposed to go?
who do i talk to?

i need to go to the gym

even tho i have feet to run/walk every day i dont use em til i get on a treadmill
adn i dont do crunches til after that
i thought i would get a jump start after seein the latest "tour dates"
a week at the end of october, west coast (portland??!)
two days mid-november and three or so more at the end, sandwichin thanksgiving again
come on man, we get a show every couple months, and it happens to take thanksgiving again?
of course, im coming
if we have as many shows as it looks like each of these trips could be $1000+ .....thats what im sposed to make in a week, right?

i cant find a good movie OnDemand...
i wonder if hte next person can take over my cable so i dont have to pay a cancellation fee

i got back from ga wed nite after a week away.. will felt a universe away the whole time and we didnt talk much on the phone.. not that im at all a fan of the phone, but what else did we have.. oh dang skype... i got wireless from the stairs to the dining room adn i coulda skyped him... but i shut down skype as soon as it opens cuz my comp's tired

tired of all the pictures and new jack tracks
probably 90% of my 80gigs is dedicated to iPhoto and iTunes
in 2 weeks ill get a external hard drive
augusta style
augusta prices
augusta sales tax

my brother got a job! so he'll be living in atlanta... so ill be the only "kid" in the house
clearly im lucky to be welcomed back, get fed, have a roof and all
but living there always strips all the grown-up progress i've made being all independent and such in the big city
and i gets soft in other ways
they got a lotta exercise stuff they dont use tho

and i brought back my tae-bo dvd
guess what i havent popped in yet

im waiting to pop in the CD of photos that yoona took of me and will
not my idea
at anna and joseph's going away yoona turned to me and w and said she wanted to photograph us
absolutely

we photographed ourselves in a photo booth at quimby's today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after she made me pancakes and we ate them in the sun on the porch at her new logan square apt......then we called up places for VOLUNTEER jobs cuz its her last resort to not get DEPORTED!

ive been a really bad visual journaler.......i tried to write in it at least every nite i was home to try and keep track of my thought process
cuz im so back and forth about ga and chi
if im in chi and have a job i can at least fly around and fly kenny up
but my gma never leaves her bedroom
and she's the only gma i got

me and kenny went to see her
she had dada's funeral programs on his side of the bed propped up against his pillow

yoona was sayin that i should just stay a little bit longer, stay at will's or something
but kennys' birthday (twenty two!?) is oct.1
she said he'll have plenty other birthdays
i said "you never know"

ive also been borrowing will's books.. james baldwins mostly.. but they end up being about these tortured young souls finding themselves and being away from home and questioning identities of every nature and anguish angst and ..and....another ang-word like that
that id ID with but then just be flooded by
my last one was giovanni's room
i started go tell it on the mountain today

i likes it. i hope i can finish it in time.....................

me and will felt different when i got back
we both had been goin back and forth feelin good and supported vs. all sad and distraught about the likelihood of me leavin (which, we've been aware of since we started in feb, and i've been aware of since two years ago)
we seemed to both be at peace about things
cuz ultimately he's goin back to portland too
just my two years started a year before his

i just wanted to post a little time capsule before i transitioned back
since its been such an uncertain roller coaster all this time

i got some followin-up to do on the handful of places i heard about at home....and everywhere on their resources/links pages.......

e