bye bye punkn pie

punky quit saturday
hours before the show
one hour til soundcheck
venue across the street
5 songs
one nite
bam bam bam

apparently there was a precipitating event 5 mins before sam and i got in, the others had driven from la.... i walk in feelin GREAT, optimistic about this easy trip, packed light, wont be dog-tired after 2 weeks of inactivity, but i finally get some ACTIVITY, and with my lil punkn pie!

i walk in, hug her immediately, and she breaks into tears "im quitting kid sister, im sorry, i quit"

wtf?? she's said these words before, but never with this seriousness (word?), this gravity, and these tears. she'd felt personally attacked, insulted, and disrespected and she had to go.

AND SHE ACTUALLY DID.
somebody came and picked her up round 4.
and there i sit in our hotel room
alone
lost
cryin off and on
sam calls her
sam comes to see me
first red--lets call it orange flag: sam asks "what did she say to you before she left?"
any and all questions of her thoughts, words, feelings, and actions should be re/directed back to her ALWAYS
thats anybody
straight from the horse's mouth
but i indulged cuz sam seemed like she really just wanted to understand
after she left i tried to go to sleep
i couldnt
sam had said that melisa would come up too and wanted to talk to me, thought i must think she's just a terrible person
but what i heard from her later was SO not helpful
she never came to my room to have a sit-down
i walked out when i heard them in the hallway to go to the show
melisa asks how im doin
i say somethin
she says cuz your eyes--oh yeah i said my eyeballs hurt
she said i looked like id been crying but i wasnt was i?
yeah.
sam dips into the boys room to get them and leave us alone for a minute.
RED FLAG: "okay, whatever That Girl told you..."
wow. not okay
1) That Girl is my friend. the only person besides sam id actually call a friend. sometimes i think shes my best friend. and now i dont know when ill see her again.
2) that sentence puts me in the middle of a classic she-said/she-said battle. NO THANK YOU
i learned in middle school dont buy into that mess. keep your distance. prolly why i dont have a core group of girlfriends now. gossip is not a pasttime of mine.
melisa proceeded to defend her content and delivery of hte talk she had with punkn and say "who said THAT? NOT ME!" about certain stuff and volume way up and way too close to me
3) i settled against the wall, she the opposite, and continued to talk about how unprofessional and selfish and impulsive punkn's action was. "you dont walk out on a job....and now YOU cant do these shows.."
the professionalism or lack thereof is not up for question with me. me and punkn had talked about it. she knows it. its obvious and not debatable. selfish, sure, but we all have to be selfish sometimes, i know i am. impulsive, of course. but she felt like she couldnt be herself, wasnt safe, wasnt accepted. you cant live like that. and she loved performing way more than me. and now is unemployed
and me not being able to do shows? big whoop. i miss 3 shows. i miss $600 (i didnt remember there was an income attached to our trips til i walked across kimball the next nite to catch the 82). I MISS PUNKN. i may miss those shows, but i wont miss DOING those shows, I WILL MISS DOING THOSE SHOWS WITH PUNKN. airport with punkn, taxi with punkn (except the time she barfed), hotel with punkn, fitness center with punkn, unitards and tape and face paint and masks and football pads and knee pads and baseball bats with punkn, watchin her wild out on stage and realize i gotta step it up, comin off stage and chuggin water, showerin or not and goin straight to bed afterward.........warm=ups! we had just gotten a warm-up routine down, playin my itunes and doin jumpin jax..........................
i just felt/feel so lost without her
after melisa's speech she asked me "i mean, what do you think?" and im SO disappointed in myself but that was clearly NOT the time nor the place to do that, and the boys and sam were back with us, i looked at the emergin crowd and mumbled, i dunno. i shrugged my way through that whole "talk"
ugh.
i hate myself sometimes
but id planned to write a carefully worded email to her later about.. i dunno.. is it worth it? will it make a difference? as an email will it be misconstrued? will i be fired?
what i WANT to say is kinda outlined above
but OH YEAH--additionally--she said a-trak has to dress a certain way for kanye, image concerns arent uncommon
DUH.
image is a big deal in the entertainment Biz
but DOES IT HAVE TO BE?

i used to so admire the movement when i first got in with the kid sister machine. she wore the hair that grew out of her head, in a pretty dark black/brown, she wore cardigans, t-shirts, leggings, and tennis shoes on stage
she had a natural look, as opposed to the beyoncé-weavable diva-boot look she debuted on jimmy fallon. now, since we currently dance without shoes, i worry that her spikes are gonna come down on my toes if she gets too close, tho she pulls us up close to the edge with her on the smallest of stages. logistics, girl!
i remember walkin thru ny the day after a show, melisa was doin a walk-n-talk interview, and back in those days (and still) i kinda know the script. i read up on her alot still and i know the deal. but comin up she def talked about wantin to just be a "regular girl" who raps
she was walkin thru the park with her ponytail and blue cardigan sayin "im okay with being a rapper who wears sweaters"
tho she would definitely critique the incredible invisible or locked-up lady rapper-- not ALL THESE DUDES crowdin up the scene, who was her OBVIOUS and ONLY competition in this game
ANYWAY here you have punkn, someone who is actually being herself and actually unique and eccentric
NOT hipster-nerd-chic, which is all the rage with her crowd

and this is what happens

booooooo
punkn's leavin also has the ripple effect of disturbin my life of leisure i planned for 2010, continuin to split life b/w ga and chicago, and after june b/w ga and portland, with no particular place to be at any time, and shows would pick up, i felt like this would be melisa's year, (reviewed in the heidi-plastic-surgery-People mag this week), and i could ride her wave all the way thru the end of my quarter-life-crisis or to a new career path in teh Biz

but f this s mayne
this feels ugly
and im not one of the beautiful people
that was sposed to be the whole point
its the misfit movement in music
emo, electronic, hip-hoppers

regardless of melisa or punkn i will be back in chi by feb.20. its my anniversary. cant nobody take that happy away from us. last nite was our last nite in this apt together. this morning the last. i got a half hour til i gotta go to the bank and catch that flight......gotta pack up my meatballs and hoppin john...

i gotta find a new dance partner. i dont particularly want anyone else--i didnt---it wasnt sposed to END that way. so abrubt. so unceremonious. we had PLANS! she had DREAMS! all those texts while i was in grad school "did you get sams email please please PLEASE say yes its my DREEEEEEEEAM!"
and now where are we

punkn didnt sleep for days, sobbed hysterical in bed, textin me, emailing bands for a new gig
i contacted ruby and debra about the "vacancy"
hopefully sam (oh yeah,and melisa) go for one or both (alternate?) of them, so i dont get stuck with some overzealous stranger

and i need to get real with myself
if anything this was a RUDE awakening out of my dreamland with few responsibilities and no goals
this dont last forever
this could end at any time
im not under contract they could peace ME out for any reason
i need to be prepared
i filled out the ga nce form
but its only one page
that cant be right
$185
will i say no to a show for a expensive-ass test?
i told sam ambers wedding july 17 was a black-out date
feb.20 is too
but i dont think we have to worry about that
we wont have time
i dont think
when my flights booked ill just send sammy a shout

good news: sam sent me her sammy slice song she drunkenly wrote and RAPPED with josh on the knobs (i forgot the industry phrase for producing lol)

so i should listen to that
gotta go get the ipod synched up
gonna be a long day

"i cant believe this is the end!" i cried on punkns bed
"no! its the beginning!" she told me. aight. lezgo.